time

 i suppose i just wish that we could all stay in eachother's lives for a longer amount of time. time is so precious and it's only realised once it's too late. this is experienced in so many ways. from friendships, to loves, to lives lost. over the past year or so i have experienced all three.

it is the strangest feeling when you spend every day with a person, you practically know everything about them, share everything with them, then next thing you know you don't really know them at all. i spent a whole year with one person, she was my first real best friend. we did everything together. each other's families were like our own and we knew exactly what was happening with both of them. we supported each other through the tough times and shared our deepest secrets. we went away on family holidays with each other. i shared my last year of school by her side. tore up some friend ships here and there, but at the end of the day we were still bestfriends. now it's been nearly a year on and i know nearly nothing about her. apart from the constant facebook updates about what she's doing, i.e. watching movies or having a bubble bath, i dont really know what's going on with her. sometimes i wish i could just ask who she hates so much, or what's she's doing with herself, or how uni is going, but i'm too afraid she'll think i'm being fake, but i actually just want to make sure she's doing okay. i don't really know what the undoing of our friendship was actually. i think it was because it was the end of school and i was just tired. by the end of last year i had changed so much as a person and she was still sort of the same. we didn't share the same p.o.v on some topics and i think that became the main focus. now i sit here and i do miss her a lot, i loved her so much. we shared so many great times together and hopefully one day we can be better friends again, i'm sorry for giving up on our friendship. 

in about 2008 a boy i went to primary school with started talking to me on msn. it was a strange friendship as we lived so far away from each other and hadn't spoken in years. we re-introduced ourselves and soon began to be quite good friends. months had passed and we started to know more and more about each other, we would talk about all sorts of things. he was my favourite person to talk to, because he was so honest. we would tell eachother things we weren't able, or comfortable enough to tell anybody else. it was such a good friendship that we could go months with out talking to eachother, and then were able to just pick up where we left off. don't get me wrong we had our ups and downs, but it was all worth it. years had passed and we were getting excited for the day we would finish school and finally meet each other in person. not all things went according to plan though and we didn't end up meeting up. he always sent me on an emotional roller coaster, as i would always feel so happy speaking to him, but so lonely when i wasn't. at this stage i really liked him and i was so let down when we weren't able to meet. from this point on i was ok with the fact that we'd just be long distance friends and that's all, until the day he told me he loved me. i had never felt more happy and heart felt in my life, still to this day it is the best feeling. so many more months had passed and there were the discussions back and forth about our feelings and what the distance was doing to us both. so we went back to the fact that we could be no more than friends, which after a lengthy amount of time agreed to. happy with where we were finally at, came the time when he was up here visiting. we met up and in a strange but bliss filled night, shared a couple of hours with each other. this was the best time of my life and in a split second i was on an emotional roller coaster, again. things ended quickly and messy. it's now been about five months and i wouldn't have a clue where he is. i miss him so much and still love him so, i am thankful for all the years we shared but wish it ended better, well actually that it never ended at all. so much time has passed and all i want to do is let him know i still love him.

it's been over a year since she passed away and i bet the pain is still so raw for those who loved her most. now and then memories appear, which make me think about her and it brings a smile to my face. yet, it still makes me so sad. she was such a beautiful girl and she was so young and smart. it's hard to think that one day someone is here and the next they are not. people's time is taken away from them and the majority of people out there, don't stop to even recognise that there has been a significant loss whether that be for one person, one family, one friendship, one love, one community or so on. time is too busy being used for people to be too caught up in their own sadness, or ego that we don't appreciate what is around us. we need to make sure that we celebrate what time we have and share it with those we love and even those whom we despize. you never know what's affecting the person next door to you, or what affect you have on another. so therefore, if your time is taken away make sure they can say they were a beautiful person who really thrived on living. i know that's how i remember her, with her bright smile. we didn't share that much time together, but the moments we did i will never forget. i will be for ever grateful for the lesson's she has taught me and till the day i die, because of her, i will live life, as much as i can.

i hate having crushes on people.
it's so irritating, you meet someone, or even just see someone and you are so infatuated by them it's ridiculous. it's so dumb because you don't even know the person, but you would drop everything just to say hi to them. when i have a crush i don't even act like myself. i act so differently because my body just goes crazy whenever i see or think about them. and i swear they know that i have a crush on them, because they are able to toil with me so badly. they say things to you that get you all excited and then the next time they don't even reply, it's so mean. argh, it's so frustrating i just want to act calm and collected when i'm around him, but for some reason it's like there's some neon sign saying "i like you soo much". i just wish we could be friends, that's all. well, for the moment any how haha.

little red - all mine

All mine,
One day you'll be all mine.
I, tell myself it takes time,
But I keep waiting, I keep waiting
I keep waiting, I keep waiting
And I keep waiting all night.

Sometimes it takes all night.
Lost in lovesick moonlight,
Courtesy of lyricshall.com
But I keep wanting to touch someone,
To feel wanted, to stop hating,
But I keep waiting, I keep waiting.

And I keep wanting to touch someone,
To feel something, to stop hating,
But I keep waiting, I keep waiting
I keep waiting [x7]

it would feel better if i didn't know at all

I hate the way you talk to me,

And the way you cut your hair.

I hate the way you drive my car.

I hate it when you stare.

I hate your big dumb combat boots,

And the way you read my mind.

I hate you so much it makes me sick;

It even makes me rhyme.

I hate it, I hate the way you’re always right.

I hate it when you lie.

I hate it when you make me laugh,

Even worse when you make me cry.

I hate it when you’re not around,

And the fact that you didn’t call.

But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you.

Not even close, not even a little bit,

Not even at all.

♥

i love you

please be mine

OH SWEET BABY JESUS

my name is jessica, some kids call me a slut
and i've a dirty habbit for ecstasy!
E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E


lately when i've been out (big day out and in the valley) i've wanted to try drugs, like ecstasy. i always try and picture what it would be like at a rave on pingers or e. i was in the valley on saturday night and i had five jager bombs and a vodka&raspberry and i was dancing in my own little world, it was so good. looking back on it, it feels good not being able to think about anything, being numb listening to the music was so blissful in itsself. also the experience of going home when the sun was coming up was so cool.
on the topic of e at a festival though, there was this stage at the big day out called lilyworld which was eighteen plus and would have been majorly trippy if you were under the influence of explicit substances, because it had all pyschadelic pinwheels and such and even looked trippy stone cold sober. but, i think if i took a tablet or even smoked weed i would go schitzophrenic. my brain already goes on crazy trips that send me into way hyper moods and outbursts. imagine altering it, wahowzers. then i definitely would be paigecraze.

YOU SHOULD PICK ME! NOW TELL ME CAN YOU DIG IT?
I'LL ALWAYS BE YOUR NUMBER ONE, NUMBER ONE FAN, DIG THAT!




you should pick me.
the real crystal crew
woahhhh yeahhhh
eh eh

I MISS MY FRIENDS!

good evening,


how are we? i am in the mood to write on here, but i have no idea what i want to write.
i am in a bizarre mood this evening. i found myself become upset this afternoon at work and still am. i have absolutely no understanding as to why i might feel like this.  i just feel like a whiney bitch really and now i feel sick, cause i really dislike feeling like this.
being like this reminds me of maths in year 8 or 9, i can't remember the exact year. but my friend rebecca was depressed and started crying one lesson and we both had no idea why. she told me she always used to cry and she had no idea why, she just would. it made me upset because i couldn't do anything to cheer her up. now i understand that sometimes you're just in these moods and to get out of it usually requires sleep. perhaps that is why, because i started work at 7 this morning and i'm just over tired.
also, i miss someone terribly and am once again confused. i have written about this person plenty of times before. they just have some way with me and i don't really know why i like them so much. well, actually why i love them so much. it is the first person who i have said i love you to and that was in reply to them saying they love me. it is the best feeling in the world. apart from being apart. distance is slightly killing me. i really dislike it... probably about 10 and half dislikes!! < with a couple of exclamation marks. it is the worst feeling when two people are in love and they can't actually share that love because they live 13 hours and 20 minutes away from each other in two different states. it hurts even more so when you see that they are hurting because they can't physically see you. they try to push you away, so you have to fight really hard for them not to let you go and then feel even worse because they continuously tell you that they want more than just words. i suppose i should just do something about this instead of sooking and writing and thinking about it all the time, but it's rather hard to just drop everything and leave. i so would except my parents would probably kill me. also i guess i am scared because what if they have already moved on and it's awkward slash isn't what we both expected. but then i think well, what if it is totally magical and the best thing that has ever happened. better than the conversations we've held that only we can have because we can be who we are with each other. complete bliss because that is how they make me feel most of the time when i'm not pining for them haha (: i just sit here and wish that they'll mysteriously turn up at my door, even though they don't know my address. in my dreams! because they are allllllllllllways in my dreams (:


anyway i need to go finish cooking my dinner, steak.
delish.


(:

You're alright but I'm here, darling, to enjoy the party.

hello - martin solveig ft. dragonette good song that one (Y)



so it seems like i haven't written here in a long time. so just to catch you up it is now 2011 and it already feels like it is the middle of the year. ew. as i walk through the shops at the moment the realisation hits me as i see the back to school sale signs. no more school for me! i have already started working, it is now my second week and i am still so nervous. i am currently in training and it's not very welcoming when people training you tell you that you're job is very hard and strenuous at times and is also a very unorganised area. oh great.
but it should be good, because i've met the people i'm working with and had a week in there with one of the girls who used to do it. besides, they continue to tell me that they're right out side my door if i need help.

so my friend mark, who is into singing and plays guitar etc he keeps telling me to learn bass cause i have one so we can make a band and put on our own gigs haha. but i seriously cannot play any instruments i try but i am far too uncoordinated, which is awfully annoying. i went over to his house on friday night and we were jamming, which is incredibly brave on my part, because i usually don't sing for anyone like that. but there we were chilling on his bed singing juno songs as he strummed away on his acoustic guitar. it was pretty awesome, i've been wanting to do that with someone for a very long time and to be honest it did measure up to how i thought it would feel. but still i feel so awkward and shy around him. its so weird im not usually like this, but just everything to do with him in person i get so nervous.. but like on msn or text i am fine. probably because there is so much expectation from our mothers, ohwell.

i cant really think of much else to say really. besides if i did keep typing i would probably just ramble on haha.
anywayyyyyy till next time.
take care deary's




(: