so seeming as i only write on here when certain things happen with him.
here i am.

i think this will be the last post, because i feel that this is really the end.

i feel really strange, it's as though i have changed.. i don't feel the same anymore. right now, i feel as though i don't feel anything. i feel as though i am numb. its like i should at least cry or be a tad angry.. angry that he has given up and sad that there is no more "us". or maybe i should be happy? glad that i am finally free and stop letting the good guys who i'm actually sharing the same air with pass me by. 

i suppose i'm still in the "i don't really know what's going on" phase. like it hasn't really hit me..
i keep thinking what if my friend didn't ask him to define what we had? would we still be the same? i suppose it would still be me thinking about him all day every day, waiting for him to text me or contact me. knowing that he won't until he was ready.. or until i annoyed him too much. not knowing if he actually thought about me.. or if he only told me that to make me feel ok?

the quote is right. he has such a way with words, but if he did feel so strongly toward me like he said.. one would assume that he would fight a little harder to keep what we had alive.

i keep thinking he's going to contact me and it'll just be like one of our usual.. "oh you're too far away, we shouldn't do this.. but let's continue anyway" fights. i can see that this is for the best. i've spent the last four years just holding in the back of my mind that i'll always have him. i've not really gotten to know anyone because i loved him. i suppose i still do..

it just makes me sad, because at the end of the day what do i have to show for it?

"good bye my dear like a weight i can't shake. who knows if you'll hear another breath that i'll take. days come and go.. this loving was slow. now it is cold, what have you to show?"- the jungle giants

it makes me nervous because i do think about him all of the time.. and i just get so scared that something will happen and he won't know how much i care about him. i just wish i could switch the love button off. i'm going to try and bury myself with my hobbies and do some research into some career options. hopefully that way i'll have something else to think about and i won't continue thinking about him.

it's amazing how one single person can make you feel so big and so little at the same time. i guess i should just listen to him and take his advice to think about how unrealistic what we had was. i just wish he'd also see my point of view. it may have been fanstasy but i believe it still would have worked.

sometimes i feel as though i'm like the dreamer who jumped off the bridge because she thought she could fly. obviously he doesn't want to fly with me. so this is it. i'm going to learn how to fly by myself and hopefully that will keep me content for at least a little while.

so long blog, you've been good to me through all of this. thanks a bunch.
catcha on the flip side x

cynical heart

i couldn't spill my heart

my eyes gleam looking in from the dark

why after all this time

is it still you on my mind?

i lie here in a fever

the ache of my heart

still raw as ever

my eyes are dry

too many tears i have cried

i was cynical

but what did you expect me to do?

i finally got you

then you were leaving so fast

not one last kiss to make up for the past

left here paralyzed

not able to grow

the ache of my heart

fills me with sorrow



time

 i suppose i just wish that we could all stay in eachother's lives for a longer amount of time. time is so precious and it's only realised once it's too late. this is experienced in so many ways. from friendships, to loves, to lives lost. over the past year or so i have experienced all three.

it is the strangest feeling when you spend every day with a person, you practically know everything about them, share everything with them, then next thing you know you don't really know them at all. i spent a whole year with one person, she was my first real best friend. we did everything together. each other's families were like our own and we knew exactly what was happening with both of them. we supported each other through the tough times and shared our deepest secrets. we went away on family holidays with each other. i shared my last year of school by her side. tore up some friend ships here and there, but at the end of the day we were still bestfriends. now it's been nearly a year on and i know nearly nothing about her. apart from the constant facebook updates about what she's doing, i.e. watching movies or having a bubble bath, i dont really know what's going on with her. sometimes i wish i could just ask who she hates so much, or what's she's doing with herself, or how uni is going, but i'm too afraid she'll think i'm being fake, but i actually just want to make sure she's doing okay. i don't really know what the undoing of our friendship was actually. i think it was because it was the end of school and i was just tired. by the end of last year i had changed so much as a person and she was still sort of the same. we didn't share the same p.o.v on some topics and i think that became the main focus. now i sit here and i do miss her a lot, i loved her so much. we shared so many great times together and hopefully one day we can be better friends again, i'm sorry for giving up on our friendship. 

in about 2008 a boy i went to primary school with started talking to me on msn. it was a strange friendship as we lived so far away from each other and hadn't spoken in years. we re-introduced ourselves and soon began to be quite good friends. months had passed and we started to know more and more about each other, we would talk about all sorts of things. he was my favourite person to talk to, because he was so honest. we would tell eachother things we weren't able, or comfortable enough to tell anybody else. it was such a good friendship that we could go months with out talking to eachother, and then were able to just pick up where we left off. don't get me wrong we had our ups and downs, but it was all worth it. years had passed and we were getting excited for the day we would finish school and finally meet each other in person. not all things went according to plan though and we didn't end up meeting up. he always sent me on an emotional roller coaster, as i would always feel so happy speaking to him, but so lonely when i wasn't. at this stage i really liked him and i was so let down when we weren't able to meet. from this point on i was ok with the fact that we'd just be long distance friends and that's all, until the day he told me he loved me. i had never felt more happy and heart felt in my life, still to this day it is the best feeling. so many more months had passed and there were the discussions back and forth about our feelings and what the distance was doing to us both. so we went back to the fact that we could be no more than friends, which after a lengthy amount of time agreed to. happy with where we were finally at, came the time when he was up here visiting. we met up and in a strange but bliss filled night, shared a couple of hours with each other. this was the best time of my life and in a split second i was on an emotional roller coaster, again. things ended quickly and messy. it's now been about five months and i wouldn't have a clue where he is. i miss him so much and still love him so, i am thankful for all the years we shared but wish it ended better, well actually that it never ended at all. so much time has passed and all i want to do is let him know i still love him.

it's been over a year since she passed away and i bet the pain is still so raw for those who loved her most. now and then memories appear, which make me think about her and it brings a smile to my face. yet, it still makes me so sad. she was such a beautiful girl and she was so young and smart. it's hard to think that one day someone is here and the next they are not. people's time is taken away from them and the majority of people out there, don't stop to even recognise that there has been a significant loss whether that be for one person, one family, one friendship, one love, one community or so on. time is too busy being used for people to be too caught up in their own sadness, or ego that we don't appreciate what is around us. we need to make sure that we celebrate what time we have and share it with those we love and even those whom we despize. you never know what's affecting the person next door to you, or what affect you have on another. so therefore, if your time is taken away make sure they can say they were a beautiful person who really thrived on living. i know that's how i remember her, with her bright smile. we didn't share that much time together, but the moments we did i will never forget. i will be for ever grateful for the lesson's she has taught me and till the day i die, because of her, i will live life, as much as i can.

i hate having crushes on people.
it's so irritating, you meet someone, or even just see someone and you are so infatuated by them it's ridiculous. it's so dumb because you don't even know the person, but you would drop everything just to say hi to them. when i have a crush i don't even act like myself. i act so differently because my body just goes crazy whenever i see or think about them. and i swear they know that i have a crush on them, because they are able to toil with me so badly. they say things to you that get you all excited and then the next time they don't even reply, it's so mean. argh, it's so frustrating i just want to act calm and collected when i'm around him, but for some reason it's like there's some neon sign saying "i like you soo much". i just wish we could be friends, that's all. well, for the moment any how haha.

little red - all mine

All mine,
One day you'll be all mine.
I, tell myself it takes time,
But I keep waiting, I keep waiting
I keep waiting, I keep waiting
And I keep waiting all night.

Sometimes it takes all night.
Lost in lovesick moonlight,
Courtesy of lyricshall.com
But I keep wanting to touch someone,
To feel wanted, to stop hating,
But I keep waiting, I keep waiting.

And I keep wanting to touch someone,
To feel something, to stop hating,
But I keep waiting, I keep waiting
I keep waiting [x7]

it would feel better if i didn't know at all

I hate the way you talk to me,

And the way you cut your hair.

I hate the way you drive my car.

I hate it when you stare.

I hate your big dumb combat boots,

And the way you read my mind.

I hate you so much it makes me sick;

It even makes me rhyme.

I hate it, I hate the way you’re always right.

I hate it when you lie.

I hate it when you make me laugh,

Even worse when you make me cry.

I hate it when you’re not around,

And the fact that you didn’t call.

But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you.

Not even close, not even a little bit,

Not even at all.