e.

i want to run out the front, jump in my car and drive fourty minutes south and search the whole of gc for you. i tried last night and failed but i'm willing to try all week long. maybe it's a sign that i didn't see you last night and that you texted me just as i arrived home. maybe i'm not meant to see you now? or that was the whole point. that i was meant to go away and think about it? come back and make it really worth something. but then again thats a false reality, it isn't real. none of it is.. and maybe i'm meant to be kept away.

i wish i could just make up my mind. i've been listening to the same song over and over. it's making me sad because it used to make me so happy and when i was driving in gc this song came on and i would get so excited. walking through the mosh at the beach party i would just picture you. walking across the street near maccas i'd picture seeing you and jumping on you. seeing girls with guys i'd picture you and me. it's so unfair. i finally told myself and made myself believe that i wouldn't see or hear from you this week and i was home away from that but then you have to text me, dont you? though to be honest to myself you're probably off with your mates hitting up the parties, hitting on girls.

probably forgotten all about me.
oh well.




if only you would "stop stealing my heart away".

i remember the end of school

tomorrow is the beginning of the last week of school
and at the moment i am so excited, yet so nervous as well.
just finished painting my nails dark purple
you see, where not allowed to wear coloured nail polish
so we've all decided to wear nail polish for the week or at least day.
tomorrow we're also wearing costumes
of what we want to be when we grow up, some people are being serious
and some of us are being silly
my bestfriend and i are being mario and luigi
she's being mario (red) and im luigi (green)
our outfits are so so so cool :)
should be interesting what everyone shall wear
i've heard of air attendants and doctors and nurses and such
woo.


one more week to end an era, wow.














(:

new people

it's always fun to meet new people

it's exciting getting to know them and what sort of things they like.

whether you like the same colour or music. being introduced to new things like new bands you haven't heard of and actually sort of really liking them. comparing movies you've both seen or asking where they've been and what they think of places, perhaps overseas.

im so giddy bout meeting new people. and yes they do say people are only new for a day, but not really because you're always finding out new things as you continually get to know each other.

(:

a Pea that's not so sweet.

so today someone told me that they have noticed now for about four months that i have changed and that is not a compliment.

i have dry humour, sorry very dry humour and that i don't think about what i'm going to say, i just say it. and that most of the time what i say is very harsh and usually inappropriate. especially when directed at emotionally unstable people.

well i thoroughly apologize for just deciding four months ago which would be august if you could not work that out, that i wanted to change and be some synical person. you know cause everyone does that. it's been four months time for a self assessment, sorry paige you're not being nasty enough.

sure you may of noticed a change in me, and yeah you have a right to tell me this. but you could of at least been concerned or asked why the change? oh or maybe approached me earlier than four months. you see me about four days during the working week and that is at about 40 minute intervals. so i don't suppose you have any idea what is going on for the rest of my time, therefore not being able to fully judge me. you have no idea what may of happened throughout those four months that have made me unhappy and unlike my 'self' and not my bubbly bright person i usually am.

broke up with my first boyfriend who drove me mad, because he's so immature and so unorganised. fighting with someone who i used to consider one of my bestfriends. being ignored randomly by my first friends, spoken to when it suits them, being annoyed with another friend because they ignore her too and i'm meant to be there for her. being the reason why my bestfriend and her boyfriend don't talk anymore and broke up, yet don't get along with her new male friends because i don't fit through the door. worried about that because i finally have someone who "likes" me back but when they see me they'll want to throw up and say seeeeeya. the death of a teacher who had two young sons, who i play with at childcare and has the same name as my beloved cat. the death of one of my first friend's sister who was only nineteen and had the most positive attitude i've ever seen. the death of my mother's work friend and then seeing my mother upset, hearing news about a friend who thought she was free of her tumours and being able to go home, then to return for her first checkup to hear that all of her tumours have returned and she wasn't meant to make it past august. so went home to live in palative care just waiting to die? all of this in the space of about four months, maybe more.. and i'm not allowed to change slightly, i'm still meant to be bubbly and pretend that everything is fine and still perfectly normal? i don't think that is possible. especially when even before this i haven't always been a bubbly. maybe to the public face but there are times when i am down and can't find a way out. just like many other people face the same sort of problems.

i guess what i am trying to say is, don't ever dare to judge people by what only you can see. there is always more to the story than meets the eye. sure people get sad and depressed, you have a right to feel like this because it is normal, i guess. but make sure you really think about it. think about all of the people out there that are actually dying and cannot do anything about it. i'm sure they would gladly trade places with you, if it means one more day on this earth, with the people they love and who love them.

whatever,
i've changed i guess, and i have dry humour, i don't care anymore clearly and i'm nearly finished therefore two weeks left. i'm sure you could learn to live with it till then. and if this change affects me in the "real world" you shouldn't even care because you won't know me then.

take care,



(: