so seeming as i only write on here when certain things happen with him.
here i am.

i think this will be the last post, because i feel that this is really the end.

i feel really strange, it's as though i have changed.. i don't feel the same anymore. right now, i feel as though i don't feel anything. i feel as though i am numb. its like i should at least cry or be a tad angry.. angry that he has given up and sad that there is no more "us". or maybe i should be happy? glad that i am finally free and stop letting the good guys who i'm actually sharing the same air with pass me by. 

i suppose i'm still in the "i don't really know what's going on" phase. like it hasn't really hit me..
i keep thinking what if my friend didn't ask him to define what we had? would we still be the same? i suppose it would still be me thinking about him all day every day, waiting for him to text me or contact me. knowing that he won't until he was ready.. or until i annoyed him too much. not knowing if he actually thought about me.. or if he only told me that to make me feel ok?

the quote is right. he has such a way with words, but if he did feel so strongly toward me like he said.. one would assume that he would fight a little harder to keep what we had alive.

i keep thinking he's going to contact me and it'll just be like one of our usual.. "oh you're too far away, we shouldn't do this.. but let's continue anyway" fights. i can see that this is for the best. i've spent the last four years just holding in the back of my mind that i'll always have him. i've not really gotten to know anyone because i loved him. i suppose i still do..

it just makes me sad, because at the end of the day what do i have to show for it?

"good bye my dear like a weight i can't shake. who knows if you'll hear another breath that i'll take. days come and go.. this loving was slow. now it is cold, what have you to show?"- the jungle giants

it makes me nervous because i do think about him all of the time.. and i just get so scared that something will happen and he won't know how much i care about him. i just wish i could switch the love button off. i'm going to try and bury myself with my hobbies and do some research into some career options. hopefully that way i'll have something else to think about and i won't continue thinking about him.

it's amazing how one single person can make you feel so big and so little at the same time. i guess i should just listen to him and take his advice to think about how unrealistic what we had was. i just wish he'd also see my point of view. it may have been fanstasy but i believe it still would have worked.

sometimes i feel as though i'm like the dreamer who jumped off the bridge because she thought she could fly. obviously he doesn't want to fly with me. so this is it. i'm going to learn how to fly by myself and hopefully that will keep me content for at least a little while.

so long blog, you've been good to me through all of this. thanks a bunch.
catcha on the flip side x